ভালোবাসা মানে আবেগের পাগলামি

"প্রেম এবং আধুনিকতা"
(অতিমাত্রায় খাটি বাংলাভাষায় লিখীত পোস্ট,সমাজের বাস্তবতা ফুটিয়ে তুলেছি,যাদের সত্যি কথা শুনললে চুলকানী হয় তারা আসবেন না)
স্টেপ ১: পরিচয় হতে পারে স্কুলের সামনে, কলেজের সামনে অথবা রং নম্বরে।প্রথমে পরিচয় ঘটবে তার পর নিজের ভালো লাগা খারাপ লাগা সকল বিষয়ে বিস্তারিত দুজন, দুজনকে জানাবে।
স্টেপ ২:তার পর শুরু হবে ফোনে কথা বলা।তার পর একজন আরেকজনকে বোলবে তুমাকে আমি মোম বাতীর মতো ভালোবাসি, বেলুনের মতো ভালো বাসি ইত্যাদি।
স্টেপ ৩: শুরু হবে ডেটিং রমনায় অথবা চন্দ্রিমায় কিংবা চিপায় চাপায়।আস্তে আস্তে শুরু হবে হাতের কাজ, হালকা একটু টিপা টিপি।সাথে লিপ কিস আরো অনেক কিছু।
স্টেপ ৪: দিস ইসদা ইনিশিয়াল স্টেজ।ফোনে শুরু হবে বাশের দৈর্ঘ্যপ্রস্থ মাপা,ফুটবলের সাইজের মাপ ও কিভাবে ৩ নম্বর ফুটবল ৫ নম্বর বানানো যায়।তার পর একে অন্যের গাইনী এএক্সপার্ট হয়ে যাবে।কুয়াতে কতো ঘভীর বাশ ফেললে কুয়ার পানি উঠানো যাবে ইত্যাদি। শেষে থাকতে না পেরে বন্ধুর ফ্লাটে অথবা কোনো হোটেলে তাদের সকল কাজ সফল ভাবে সম্পাদন করবে।
স্টেপ৫: ফাইনাল স্টেজ দুজনেই শারিরীক চাহিদা মেটাতে মেটাতে ক্লান্ত পরিস্রান্ত হয়ে পরে।তার পর মেয়েটি বলে আমার বিয়ে ঠিক হয়ে গেছে অথবা তোমার সাথে আমার আন্ডাসস্টান্ডিং হচ্ছে না।আর ছেলেটি, ফ্রি ফ্রি মধু কে না খায়।
পরিশেষে দুজনে ১০-১৫ টা চিচিং ফাক গেম খেলার পর বিয়ের পিরিতে বসে এবং দুজনে দোয়া করে আল্লাহ তা আলার কাছে "আমার স্ত্রী জেনো সতী সিদ্ধি হয়,আমাকে ছারা যেনো অন্য কিছুই বোঝে না" আর মেয়েটি"আমার হাজবেন্ডের জীবনে যেনো আমিই যেনো হৈ প্রথম নারী "
আহ কি সুন্দর তাদের চিন্তা ধারা।এটাই আমাদের প্রজন্মের প্রেম কাহিনী যেটা ঘটছে স্কুল,কলেজ,অফিসে। ধিক জানাই এই প্রেম কে। আপনি জানেন প্রতিমাসে ৩৭০০০ হাজার ভ্রুন হত্যা হয় বাংলাদেশে। প্রতি ঘন্টায় ১৪-৩০ বছরের ২১৭ জন মেয়ে সতিত্তো নষ্ট করে নিজের ইচ্ছায়, না না বিয়ের পরে না বিয়ের আগে।এই সমাজ আধুনিকতার নামে সকল খারাপ কাজ প্রশ্রয় দিচ্ছে।ঢাকা শহরের এলিট এলাকা দিয়ে যখন হেটে যাবেন দেখবেন শিক্ষার আলোয় আলোকিত পতিতারা উদর বক্ষে, কোমর দুলিয়ে হাটছে। কতদিন আপনি আপনার নজর কে হেফাজত কোরবেন।খুব জানতে ইচ্ছা করে একটি সন্তান যখন তার মায়ের ভিডিও ক্লিপ দেখবে তার কি অবস্থা হবে।থু থু আধুনিকতাকে,থু থু মারি প্রেমের মুখে।আমি ক্ষ্যাত হয়ে জীবন পার করে দিতে চাই।ছোট একটি ঘটনা দিয়ে লেখা শেষ করছি
"আমি তখন ছোট ক্লাশ ফাইবে পরাশোনা করি।বিকেলে ক্রিকেট খেলছিলাম, সাথে কিছু বরোভাই ও ছিলেন।একবার বল ঝোপের পাশে যায় তার পর বলটি আনতে যান জুয়েল নামের একজন বরো ভাই।তিনি খুব জোরে একটা চিতকার দেন।আমরা সবাই সেখানে গিয়ে যা দেখলাম, ফুলের মতো টুকটুকে একটা শিশু,তার পেটের নার ও কাটা হয় নি।মুখের ভিতর থেকে বিশাল এক কাপর বের করা হলো আর লবন।লাল টুকটুকে ঠোট দিয়ে যখন রক্ত পরেছিলো কাদতে দেখেছিলাম দারিয়া থাকা সব গুলো লোককে।"
মাঝে মাঝে সপ্নে এখনো আমাকে প্রশ্ন করে বাচ্চাটি, কে দায়ী তার পরিনীতির জন্য,তার কুমারী বাবা-মা না সমাজ। উত্তর আজো পাইনি______________???

মেয়েদের যে যে সময় সবচেয়ে সুন্দর লাগে......

১.গোধুলির সময়।
২.মোমবাতির আলোতে
৩.যখন সে ঘুমায়।
মায়াবী দেখায়।
৪.যখন সে আগ্রহী দৃষ্টিতে কারো দিকে
চোখেতাকায়।
৫.কান্নার আগমূহুর্তে।
৬.যখন
সে নিজের ঠোটে কামড় দেয়।
৭.গোসল করার পর ভেজা চুলে।
৮.যখন
তাকে প্রশংসা করা হয়।
৯.যখন তার
প্রিয়
মানুষটিকে নিয়ে আলোচনা করা হয়।
১০.যখন সে রেগে যায়।
১১.যখন তার মনে প্রচন্ড আনন্দ
থাকে কিন্তু মুখে একটা লজ্জার
আবরণ
দিয়ে সে আনন্দটা ঢাকার
চেষ্টা করে।
আর,
১২ যখন সে হাসে।

একমত?
—রফিক স্যার।

এ পৃথিবীতে প্রায় সবাই তার থেকে বিপরীত স্বভাবের মানুষের প্রেমে পড়ে

ছেলেরা ভালোবাসার অভিনয়
করতে করতে যে কখন
সত্যি সত্যি ভালোবেসে ফেলে

মেয়েরা সত্যিকার
ভালোবাসতে বাসতে যে কখন
অভিনয়
শুরু করে তারা তা নিজেও
জানেনা ।

- - -রফিক স্যার।

কি পেলাম তোমায় ভালবেসে ?

কাউকে কাঁদানোটা কঠিন কিছুনা,
কিন্তু
যাকে কাঁদালেন তাকে ফিরে পাওয়া অনেক কঠিন,
কারন কষ্ট মানুষকে অনেক কঠিন করে তুলে,

সেইদিন শত চেষ্টা করলেও
আপনি তাকে ফিরে পাবেন না,
আর
না পাওয়ার কষ্টে আপনিও কাঁদবেন,
আর সেইটাই হবে আপনার কঠিন শাস্তি ..রফিক স্যার.

When Relationships Change: Growing Together, Not Apart

“Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional.” RAFIQ SIR

I got married three years ago right out of college. We had been together since freshman year, and lived together for two years. Still, we didn’t fully understand what was coming our way.

I remember my parents telling me, “You know, marriage is a lot of work. It requires effort.” I fervently assured them that I understood, because I thought I did. But understanding something conceptually and experiencing that thing are two different animals.

Our first year of marriage was fine. To be honest, I don’t remember too much about it. It was more of the same; just a couple of kids having fun.

What I did not know then was that tiny hurts and resentments had begun to creep up on us. I believe these were unspoken, unconscious issues that had been present but overlooked throughout our relationship.

The manifestation of these problems was subtle at first. It was just our usual way of operating; little jibes at each other, veiled judgments, stubborn protests. Nothing new, but something had changed.

My wife took up Tango. I didn’t. She started going out more often. I stayed at home more and more. The rift that had already occurred between us had just been unmasked.

We started fighting more often. In some cases, they were brutal, malicious, screaming fights. At a certain point we began to “accept” our situation.

I decided I would just deal with it and do my best. But my idea of dealing with it was mortally flawed. I stopped protesting to her outings, and she began to spend more and more time away from home.

The resentment built up inside both of us. There was almost no real communication happening. Sure, we had our good days, but in general, we cried more than we laughed.

Finally, one night my wife didn’t come home. Neither of us called or texted. I went to bed alone, as I was wont to do those days, but I woke up in a panic around three in the morning when I realized she still wasn’t home.

Then, I called, texted, worried, and repeated the process for two hours. She finally arrived home at 5am. She had been dancing all night. She did it to hurt me, because she was hurt.

We were both in so much pain.

The next day, we sat down with each other. I said that we could not go on this way. We both admitted how angry we were at one another. We were not well-versed in this type of conscious conversation, so we talked in circles.

Yet, it was a turning point.

We made two decisions. First, we would seek out couple’s therapy. Second, we would take a trial separation. This was heart wrenching. How had we gotten to this point?

We began couple’s therapy and shortly thereafter realized that we both needed individual counseling. We were dealing with deep-seated emotional issues that we had never before confronted.

The first eight months of counseling were difficult. During that time, we separated twice for a month each time. But once again, something had started to change…for the better this time.

Our arguments slowly became less enraged screaming matches, and more constructive, intelligent conversations. This took months and many little breakthroughs.

We started spending more quality time with each other, making the decision and the effort to really bewith one another. We resolved to listen and stay present, and to be honest about what we were thinking and feeling. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship, you know how difficult that can be.

Now, a year and half later, my wife and I are still in counseling, but our relationship is better than it has ever been. We make it a point to sit down and have a check-in conversation at least once a week, if not more.

We have learned to compromise on our social endeavors. She still dances. In fact, she’s an incredible dancer. And I go with her when I can (though I’m no good). In turn, she spends more evenings at home with me when time and work permits. 

Ultimately, what we learned was that if there was to be communication, we had to speak and listen to one another with intense presence, honesty, patience, and compassion. And above all, we realized that we had to accept that our relationship was changing, that it needed to change.

When our problems first surfaced, things had stagnated. In many ways we had resisted change: the transition from student to working adult, from boy to man, from girlfriend to wife. But if we’re always resisting we never see what is right in front of us (or inside of us).

What I’ve come to realize is that often we leave things unsaid because we believe broaching the issue will be more trouble than it’s worth. In turn, we get defensive when our partner is critical, even in a constructive way.

In both cases, we are resisting what is and the opportunity to grow. It is a recipe for resentment, anger, and ultimately, apathy.

I urge you to think of yourself in this light. Whether on a large or small level, how often do you resist what’s going on inside of you? No one wants to feel annoyed, hurt, angry, or sad. But if we feel that way, we must accept. Otherwise we suppress and miss an opportunity for self-growth.

Only when we make the decision to acknowledge what is really there can we take the first steps toward healing. When that happens, we stop fighting the truth and are able to loosen the grip on all the pain to which we are so accustomed.

Nothing is ever perfect, but we must remember that to live and to love is to change and to grow. We can resist it all we want, but change is inevitable.

Growth, on the other hand, is conditional. It only happens when we choose to embrace change one moment at a time.

Learn to Love and Accept Yourself, Wherever You Go

“Wherever you go, there you are.” RAFIQ SIR

The sweat of my palms saturated our boarding tickets. Even as I stepped onto the plane, I still could not entirely believe we were doing it.

My husband and I finished our master’s degrees and instead of immediately securing jobs, buying a house, and starting a family, we decided to travel.

We thought escaping our lives was living on the wild side—rediscovering ourselves. Well, at least that’s what I thought.

I lived in Spain during my undergraduate degree ten yeas ago and had ceaselessly fixated on the idea about returning ever since.

I longed for the days of dipping churros in chocolate once more and sipping on the local morning brew,café con leche. I daydreamed of sharing pitcher after pitcher of chilled sangria with my husband and the neighboring couples dining to our left and our right.

In the midst of my most vivid daydreams, I heard the cries, olé olé as the bullring radiated with history and pride.

I had created such an idea of how I’d imaged our lives that I completely forgot the reality of the situation. 

I convinced my husband to sell most of our items and put the remaining personal belongings in storage while we set off to Europe. I believed downsizing and emptying ourselves of these excessive items would really make things better.

I was blind to the fact that Spain had changed so much in ten years—I had changed so much in ten years.

We arrived tired but eager to explore the land of paradise I had talked about for a decade—but Spain had another plan for us. Spain wanted to remind me that I would not return to be the person I once was.

Everything had changed, and what was most shocking, my views about Spain had changed.

Because my eating habits grew as predictable as my daily gym routine, the bread and potatoes that I once loved certainly did not agree with my finicky body.

My stomach, accustomed to mostly spinach, fresh fish (which we could not always afford), and organic green salads did not adjust to the Spanish cuisine as it had in the past.

But this was supposed to be perfect, I thought. I’d overlooked the fact that my body’s rejection of what I was eating was a symbol of something deeper.

No longer in my twenties, I realized I required much more sleep than I once needed. The long, amorous nights I once spent partying until the sun rose had been replaced with quiet nights of exhaustion and the stress of organizing plans to the next hostel.

There were a number of other changes, such as living in hotels and hostels instead of with a host family. Little by little, each of these external factors pointed directly to the core of my very being.

Escaping to Spain would not make me disappear. My husband and I still bickered over who had the better set of directions and where we should eat for dinner. Even throughout the many Kodak moments, I still found myself experiencing bouts of depression and anxiety.

But this was not supposed to happen, I thought, still discarding the sobering reality of my dream trip.Spain was supposed to solve all my problems!

We dashed over to Portugal and Ireland, and while these beautiful places are forever sealed inside our hearts, we still experienced many of the same challenges. It wasn’t until returning home and letting our lives literally settle back down that I started to gain a shocking perspective.

The trip to Europe taught me to zero-in on myself. It was not the country in which I lived, not the town I visited, not the house in which I slept, or the room in which I sat, but all the way down into my own heart I began to understand there was nowhere else to run.

I learned the blatant lesson that happiness begins and ends within me.

The trip taught me that any time I am uncomfortable, I must ask what is not pleasing me in that moment. It shattered my sense-of-self and my dreams, which graciously reminded me that over-fantasizing is often an escape from current situations. 

It taught me how excess imagination about the future is different from goal setting, which separates us from the beauty of what is available to us now. It taught me to find the joys in the present moment, to enjoy where I live, the community around me.

When I yearn to reach out for something—buying an item of clothing, wanting to take a trip—I ask my heart why I think this item will please me. Am I grasping onto something deeper?

While this is an extreme case of the inability to escape oneself, we all experience this in our lives in various ways. We think if we get a new job, our fear of failure will disappear only to discover it is heightened with our new role.

We think if we get a new boyfriend or girlfriend it will turn out like the fairytale stories we hoped, only to discover our insecurities have followed us into the new relationship.

We can point the finger to bosses, jobs, relationships, even cultures, but until we turn the finger back to ourselves, we will face a life of pain and constant struggle.

In each situation, we must ask, what am I learning from this? What is this telling me about myself?

We are such beautiful and complicated creatures. No technology in the world can tap into the mystery of the heart, of the soul, of our dreams.

Wherever you go in your day—to the grocery store or to a new city, to a friend’s home or a different room of the house—be grateful that you will never escape yourself.

Be grateful that you have this lifetime to learn to love and accept yourself.

In a world so full of travel and movement, it is important we take a moment to pause and reflect on the sacredness of stillness and quietude within ourselves.

It is my wish that we can all sit comfortably in a chair someday as we soften in body and in heart, full of gray hairs and wrinkles—that we may smile widely from each memory contributing to our wear and know we really have nowhere to go.

Everything we need has been inside us from the start.

Learning How to Love Unconditionally

“The most important thing in this world is to learn to give out love, and let it come in.” RAFIQ SIR

Love is a strange and beautiful thing.

I always thought I knew what love meant. I grew up hearing the words all the time. It was on TV, in books and magazines, and people all around were saying it.

I thought I knew how to love. I mean, I told my teddy bear that I loved him because he kept me safe at night. I told my sister that I loved her, only if she was nice to me and would play the games that I wanted.

But if I didn’t get that new limited edition beanie baby, I felt differently for my parents. If my friends at school didn’t give me the birthday presents I wanted, I felt differently for them.

I seemed to only love the people and things that would give me something in return and that would allow life to go on the way that I wanted it to.

I never truly felt love, a love that was unconditional and all encompassing, until the day I first saw my dad cry.

My friends always tell me that my father is the happiest man that they’ve ever met. He greets everyone with open arms, and his smile is so big you can practically count all of his teeth.

The other day I came home, and my dad looked sullen, the smile usually spread across his face missing. He looked into my eyes and just collapsed into my arms, sobbing.

I could feel his sadness before I even heard the tears, from the way he put his entire body weight on me as if he needed help just standing, and the way he gripped me so tight like a child does with his mom on the first day of school.

My sister had just made a rash career decision that would leave her in a large amount of debt and temporarily unemployed. And my dad just didn’t have the money that she needed to help her out of her situation.

Growing up, my dad always told us that his one purpose in life was to give us the life that he never had. And in his eyes, at that moment, he had failed.

You see, my parents are first generation immigrants from Vietnam. They come from impoverished families, both with more than 10 siblings each. Their journey to America is almost like a fictional tale to me, something that they rarely talk about, with my dad escaping first, then my mom, aunt, and sister, who almost didn’t even make it out alive.

At first, the American Dream wasn’t all that it was made out to be. Yes, freedom rang, but so did the challenge of learning a new language, a new culture, a new way of making money and supporting a family.

But somehow, they did it. They raised my older sister and put her through college. They raised my aunt, and put her through college. They raised my twin sister and me, and put us through college. And in the midst of all that, they found a way to sponsor all of their own siblings to emigrate to the land of the free.

It didn’t come easy though.

They accomplished all of this, even if it meant working two (at times three) jobs. Even if it meant scrubbing floors, toilets, hospitals, classrooms. Even if it meant working all day and night and surviving on only two hours of sleep.

Even if it meant tears and days where we all just cried ourselves to sleep.

Growing up, my dad gave me everything I wanted. He let me play sports, bought me nice clothes and toys, a new car—even if he had to sneak by my mother so that she wouldn’t get upset about how much he was spoiling me.

But at the same time, my dad expected straight As, and to succeed and excel in everything that I did. At times I would get so mad at him and scream and complain about why he made me study so much when all of my friends were out having fun. His reply was always, “So you don’t ever have to live a hard life like us.”

I always wondered how my dad made it, how he and my mom brought up three successful children and stayed together through it all.

This year, my parents will have been married for 35 years, and to say they’ve been through a lot is an understatement. They made sacrifices that threatened their relationship with each other, with their brothers and sisters, and even their own parents—all for us.

There is never a day that goes by where my dad doesn’t tell me “I love you” before going to bed. It’s with this unconditional love that keeps him going strong, and that keeps him smiling every day no matter how tough things can be.

I was blind to this until that day I saw my dad at his most vulnerable point. Looking at him, bent over in my arms like a little child, I realized that unconditional love does not come easy; it is something learned and practiced.

It is through the toughest times, the happiest times, and every single obstacle of life that you can discover new ways of loving.

I did that day as I held my daddy, my hero, in my arms. I discovered just how to finally let the love come in that my dad had been giving me for 22 years, and not question or find a reason for it.

My dad has taught me that to love unconditionally is to love with absolutely no boundaries. Even when it hurts, his love is never failing; it stays limitless, never changing.

There are times in our lives when loving someone else seems nearly impossible because of the difficult situations that we find ourselves in. There are times when we say harsh things to people we love just because things aren’t going our way, or because they made us unhappy.

In these situations, we find ourselves putting provisions on love. We attach it to how others are acting, and whether they reciprocate the feelings we give to them. We attach it to the circumstances and emotions that go on in a single moment.

We find ourselves holding back, fearful of being hurt, afraid to sacrifice a piece of ourselves. But what if we looked beyond all this and just loved?

Love because you’re grateful for the things someone has done for you. Love because someone needs you, needs a friend to lean on during their struggles. Love even when it is difficult, even when your mind tells you that you shouldn’t.

Love by looking beyond people’s faults, struggles, and whatever pain and hardships that life may bring. 

This unconditional love is something that can so easily be given if we recognize it, and that can change someone else’s life completely.

When we love and treat each other with the utmost care and attention, the little things that bother us seem far less overwhelming.

What would the world be like if we stopped looking to get something in return, and just loved unconditionally, for the happiness and inner peace it brings us all?

Embrace Your Inner Life Coach: 5 Meaningful Ways To Help Others

“We choose our destiny in the way we treat others.”RAFIQ SIR

Growing up as a high-level swimmer, I used to be a very self-centered individual. Just about everything in my life revolved around becoming the best swimmer I could be.

I spent countless hours training, getting ready for workouts, and visualizing my future success. Helping others wasn’t on my radar. The idea of contribution was still foreign to me.

Fortunately, I was passionate about swimming and I had a purpose to my life, so I was happy.

But eventually, my swimming career ended, and all of a sudden I started feeling a profound lack of fulfillment in my life.

I did what most college students do to fill the void: I turned to alcohol and constant partying. I was having fun, sure, but deep down I knew something was missing.

I started diving into Buddhist philosophy, and the concepts of compassion, contribution, and oneness started making their way into my consciousness.

When I graduated college, I landed a “prestigious” corporate job, and although I was making good money, something was still missing.

I had this lingering feeling that my work wasn’t truly serving others and didn’t have a real impact on the world.   

I quickly realized that this job wasn’t my dharma, so against everyone’s advice I just said, “Screw it” and I quit.

After a few months of confusion about what to do next, I decided to move to the other side of the world. I packed up my bags and relocated to Perth, Australia.

My intention? Discover my true self and my life’s purpose.

As I started going further down the rabbit hole of personal development and spirituality, I realized that the best way to achieve happiness and success is through helping others in meaningful ways.  

As Gandhi said, “The best way to find yourself is in the service to others.”

I decided it was time to start contributing on a bigger scale, and to share all this wonderful wisdom I was discovering through a blog. Eventually, I decided to “go pro” and become a Peak Performance Coach.

At first, I have to admit that I wasn’t too sure what I was doing. I tried my best to help, but didn’t really know how to go about it.

So I sought advice from accomplished coaches and psychologists, worked diligently on my craft, and learned effective ways to help people.

Since then, I’ve worked with clients from all walks of life and I’ve gotten infinitely better at coaching them.

This has allowed me to experience the deep fulfillment that comes from meaningfully helping someone improve his or her life.

And I want the same for you.

I truly believe that we are all life coaches. We always have opportunities to help the people in our life with the challenges they’re facing.

This is especially true if you’re reading this website, as you’re the kind of person who wants to understand life on a deeper level, and to experience it consciously and meaningfully.

That’s why today I want to share with you 5 tips on how to help people more effectively.

By using them, you’ll be in greater service to those around you, and you’ll enjoy the blissful feeling of knowing you’ve made another person’s life better.

1. Ask powerful questions.

Oftentimes, when people ask you for help, they already know the answers deep down. They just can’t see them. Your job is to ask the questions that will help them find the answers that are buried within them.

Don’t be afraid to ask follow-up questions and really get to the root of the issue. Most people don’t take the time to fully understand what’s going on in their own mind, and your questions will help people really uncover what’s happening up there.

Here are a few good questions to add to your repertoire:

“What do you really want?”

“What’s your heart telling you to do?”

“What’s a more empowering way you could look at this situation?”

“What’s one thing you can do right now to make things better?”

2. Listen patiently.

Once the other person starts opening up, you might be tempted to jump in and offer your brilliant advice. But hold your tongue and listen. This is how you’ll really get to the core of the issue.

Listen, be fully present, and make your interlocutor feel as though they’re the most important person in the world.

3. Put yourself in their shoes.

One of the most important aspects of helping others is empathy—the ability to put yourself in their position. The reality is, we all have a different background, philosophy, and perception of the world.

You need to make an effort to see things from their perspective to really give them your full contribution.

4. Don’t be afraid to speak the hard truth.

The greatest gift we can give people is to be honest with them, even if that means telling them something they might not like to hear at first.

This honest feedback is what will help them shift their beliefs and move forward in their life.

5. Give love.

When someone’s going through a hard time, you might not be able to ask them the question that will give them an “aha” moment, or to provide them a paradigm-shifting piece of advice. But one thing you can always do is give them your love and support.

Love has incredibly healing qualities, and sometimes telling someone, “I believe in you” can literally change their life.

Never underestimate the magical powers of love.

–

Time has taught me that helping others is one of the simplest ways to fill our life with joy and fulfillment.

Every time someone comes to you for guidance or support, you’re being given a wonderful opportunity to not only serve your purpose, but also to make a meaningful contribution to their life.

Now is the Time to Appreciate the People Who Have Helped You

“No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks.” RAFIQ SIR

Recently, my mom told me that my beloved piano teacher had passed on. She had reached a high age and died peacefully in her sleep. This news, delivered to me via Facebook, hit me harder than I could have prepared myself for.

Sitting there in front of my computer, I remembered the circumstances of my meeting her. Originally, it was because my sister wanted to learn how to play piano.

It was by pure chance that I decided to go with her for her first lesson and I instantly fell in love with the teacher. She was the same age as my grandma, which was great because back then younger people terrified me. We hit it off right away.

I must have been around thirteen years old back then and I was in a really dark place of my young life. My eating disorder, which I had developed at the age of about ten, was starting to get more serious.

I lost weight rapidly and my exercising got out of hand. I was a shadow of myself and I was terribly insecure and weary of life.

Spending one hour a week with this unusually large, brilliant lady was like my sanctuary. When I closed the door of her tiny piano room, I knew I was in a safe place.

She listened to me when no one else did. If I showed you my piano skills today, you’d agree with me that we probably talked more than we practiced playing. Being with her was like the counseling I desperately needed.

I treasured each and every moment with her. I was more open to her about my anorexia, about my problems with the family, and my terrifying fear of my brother than I had ever been with somebody else. I trusted her. No matter how caught up I was in my illness, I never skipped a lesson.

Then, I went to the US and our ways separated. Over the years, I would hear frequent updates of how she was doing and I would send her the occasional letter.

When driving by her house, I would make a mental note to schedule some time for a visit sometime in the future. I never did.

My piano teacher had often told me that she had seen the vulnerability in my eyes and my posture when we first met. She saw that I was a broken soul and she knew that she was there to guide me and to help me through some of the hardest years of my life.

She gave me love when I needed it, without me having to ask for it. She wanted to take me under her wings and she did.

During those years, I was too young to understand the capacity of her love for me. But as the years went by, long after I had stopped taking lessons, I began to understand, and yet, I never thanked her in the way she deserved. I always allowed life to get in the way.

Why do we do that?

Why does the urgent so very often overshadow the important?

Why does the brain overrule the heart so many times?

Why do we choose the wrong path just because it seems more convenient at the time?

Is it life itself? Is it that we’re just too busy? Is it because we don’t know any better? Is this just pure selfishness?

Let’s face it; we could all do better, right?

I had so many chances, so many opportunities to see her, but I never made it happen. I mean, I have the best excuse: I was sick, terribly sick. So, it wasn’t really a choice, right?

While that is true, there have been weeks in the past ten years when I was doing okay. Had I made an effort, I would have been able to visit her for an hour or two.

Yet, I thought that there would always be a tomorrow, a better occasion, a day when things were not so stressful and life would be less busy and complicated.

However, as we all know, tomorrow is not guaranteed.

And it is tragic to see that it takes the death of someone you genuinely loved to make you realize the importance of acting today.

There is no excuse for not expressing your feelings to your loved ones today. There is no excuse for not saying thank you today. There is no excuse for not taking ten minutes of your time to call someone who needs you.  There is no excuse not to forgive someone who sincerely apologizes right now.

There is simply no good reason to postpone the important until tomorrow.

Knowing that I never told her how grateful I was for what she had been doing for me breaks my heart. Knowing that she will never hear how important she was in keeping me from going down the deep end is unforgivable.

The impact that she had on my life cannot be underrated. Not only did she save me from drowning many times, she also shared with me the wisdom she had gathered throughout her lifetime.

I remember sitting next to her in front of her piano soaking in every word she shared with me. And I cannot help but think of all the wisdom I missed by never visiting her again.

Maybe this knowledge would have prevented me from making the mistake of putting her out of my mind one too many times?

Maybe, maybe not. One thing I am certain of, however, is that she would have been delighted to see me again. She would have been moved to tears to see my husband for the first time.

She would have loved to see the woman I have come to be. And she would have deserved to know that I am recovering and doing so much better. The sparkle in my eyes should have been reflected in hers.

Appreciate the people who help you, who are there for you, who see that you are vulnerable and who don’t just look away. Appreciate them today and act on it.

This is your opportunity to do it—right now, while there’s time.

How to Overcome Loneliness

“Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it’s dark.” RAFIQ SIR

After my ex-girlfriend and I broke up several years ago, I never felt more alone in my life. I hung up the phone with tears streaming down my face as I stepped into my new reality.

I only had one friend in the world, who happened to live fairly far away, so most of my newfound singlehood was spent alone.

It was difficult for the first few weeks due to all the painful emotions that usually come with a break up, but after a while the pain went away.

Usually I could keep a positive attitude and project the appearance was all okay, but truth be told, I was a very lonely person back then.

Sometimes, a coworker or some acquaintance would ask if I was seeing anyone to make conversation. I told them that I was taking a break from dating for a while to heal from the break up.

However, I really had no idea how to meet people. After being in a relationship for seven years and losing touch with a lot of friends, my social skills were pretty much nonexistent. I wanted to meet people, make new friends, and date, but I really thought I was just incapable of doing it.

At one point the loneliness just overwhelmed me. I was walking down a street one night. As I was passing by a busy restaurant, I looked in the window and saw so many people at quiet, intimate tables sharing smiles and conversations over candle light.

Suddenly I just couldn’t take it any longer. My mind became flooded with all of these thoughts like “Why is it never me in there with someone else?” or “Why am I always alone? Is there something wrong with me?”

Before I know it, I was crying right there, while walking down the street.

It all just seemed so futile. What was the point of living if I didn’t have anyone to share my life with?

That’s not my proudest moment, and back then, I’d probably be ashamed to share that with you. That was likely one of my lowest moments in my life, at least when it comes to loneliness.

However, I’m hoping that I can share some positive advice that I’ve learned since then that has helped me—and may just help you too.

Here are a few things to keep in mind if you feel lonely in your life:

First: Remember that feeling separate from others is the direct result of focusing on how others are different from us.

When you look for differences, you will find them. When you look for similarities, you will find them as well. There’s nothing wrong with doing either; however, each has their own set of consequences.

When we spend your time focusing on the differences, we begin to have thoughts about how “It’s different for him because he’s a man,” “She wouldn’t understand because she’s rich,” “He has kids so he wouldn’t have time,” or “She’s so attractive, she would never ‘get’ my situation.”

We start to place others into all sorts of categories.

Most of these categories include all the things that make them different from us. If this sort of thinking continues, eventually, we will find ourselves standing alone against the entire world—us verses everyone else.

There are indeed different circumstances and situations that we all have to deal with; however, it is also just as easy to see that underneath all the differences we may have, we all share a common human experience. We all feel the emotions of pain, love, loneliness, fear, loss, sadness, and joy.

When you start to understand that the human experience we share gives us more in common than the different circumstances we may be in, we can start to feel a lot closer to other people. This is the way to begin to mend feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Second: Become curious about others and you will never be at a loss for words or feel unable to connect with them again.

Have you ever memorized a bunch of “conversation starters” to keep things flowing just in case a conversation hits a dead end?

“So, do you like cats or dogs better?” “If you could be any ice cream flavor, which one would you be?” or “Did you hear that they want to charge a toll on the freeway now?” often come to mind.

Sure, they might keep the conversation going, and they can work well, if your goal is to avoid anything resembling an awkward silence.

But silence only has to be awkward if you let it.

The secret to connecting with someone else and feeling a sense of bonding isn’t to simply fill up time up with idle words and pointless conversation topics. Connection is achieved through shared experiences or empathizing with others.

Instead, allow your curiosity to naturally steer the conversation. Ask a simple question. If you’re paying attention (instead of worrying what you’ll say next), you’ll notice that there are many conversation topics embedded in a simple answer or comment that can keep you talking for hours and result in a much deeper connection.

Third: Be brave and put a bit of yourself out there.

If you’re hungry for a deeper connection with others, don’t be too reluctant about taking the lead in the situation and putting a little bit of yourself out there to steer the conversation in a deeper direction.

Talking about the weather or your 401k can get old after awhile, but if you change the direction and start talking about how the weather makes you feel or what you’d like to do with your retirement savings after you retire, then that can make for a much more personal and interesting conversion.

Essentially, what you’re doing is you’re welcoming other people to get more personal and share more of their feelings and experiences too.

That’s really at the root of building a connection with someone else—getting to know them as more than just a collection of surface level facts. Once you start to learn more about their feelings and opinions on things, you can start to develop a real bond.

It may seem vulnerable to put yourself out there, and it is! It can be difficult at times to share parts of yourself with others, but that’s how others will really get to know you.

Loneliness can be something difficult to deal with, and it is a sad fact that so many people suffer from a lack of close friendships and connections, despite the fact that many of us live in or near major cities.

If you ever feel lonely, don’t be afraid to try and strengthen a weak friendship or build a new one. There are people everywhere and I truly believe that all of us are worth getting to know.

How to Love Without Losing Yourself

“We love because it is the only true adventure.” RAFIQ SIR 

Last night I sat with an old friend who has recently broken up with his girlfriend. He’s sad. She’s sad.

I don’t think it was time for them to give up yet; he’s exhausted and disagrees. He says he thinks that he just loves to love. When you love to love, he says, it’s impossible to separate the act of loving from the person that you’re actually supposed to love.

He thinks that he’s too much in love with the idea of love to actually know what he wants. And so, he argues, giving her another chance would be futile.  

I know what he means, because I love to love, too.

When I met my boyfriend, Chase, I thought I had been in love before. In fact, I was positive of it. I had built a life out of a dating and relationship blog—of course I had been in love before.

There was only one relationship that stood out from the masses of little flings, and for a time, he was my world. We met in college (although he wasn’t in school, a sign of different horizons that would eventually be the pitfall of our short-lived romance). And we developed our own little cocoon which quickly meant everything to me.

I had grown up with a happy home life, two parents that met, fell in love, and then stayed together. I had an (albeit naive) perspective that when you meet the right person, you fall in love, and that’s that.

I never doubted him for a minute; this was what was supposed to happen. I trusted it, the process of companionship, and I let myself settle into having someone.

After only a few short months together, he said he needed to move since he could no longer afford to live Boulder, where I was going to college at the time, so we made the decision to move in together.

Whether he meant that or not I’m unsure. I had more financial resources and was able to subsidize the move—a theme that stretched throughout the majority of our time together.

That decision to move in together felt like every other decision we made—an initial excitement that then was held together by necessity.

I have no other way to describe our time together but fearful. Fear of being alone. Fear I had made a mistake. Fear that if he left it was because I was unlovable, that there was something wrong with me. 

In retrospect, I had an anxiety that was speaking volumes, louder than my voice ever could. I remember sitting in a park alone, crying, before signing the lease. I knew, deep down, that there was nothing solid about our life together, but I didn’t know what else to do.

Truly, I thought this was as good as it was going to get.

Quickly claustrophobic by our limiting world together, he began to rebel against me and our relationship. Within a matter of months, things started to fall apart.

He became angry, and mean, and a lot of true colors started to show. I didn’t know how to process this sudden shift and blamed myself. My life went from my own, to ours, to trying to salvage what was left in any respect.

I was quiet most of the time. My mom describes me during that time as very “proper,” always quiet and trying not to say the wrong thing. As a woman who has built a life on being an outspoken fearless thinker, I was quickly becoming a far cry from the person I once was.

It was a strange time, and although I don’t remember much of the details, I do remember it being extraordinarily painful.

I had let myself and my old hobbies go, and I’d slowly begun rejecting a lot of what was still left of the old me. I became the enemy for both of us, it seems, since I seemed to be the cause of much of his anger.

He told me incessantly that I was impossible to deal with, that I was impossible to love. He made his points clear. But I was lost in the world we’d built and didn’t know of a way out.

Eventually, after too long of sitting in that toxic mess we’d built, I ended it.

I was sad for a long time. I went back to being lonely, in an empty house, and I felt like a failure.

To be fair, I was young. In the beginning, I suppose more than anything I was just excited not to be alone anymore. In many respects, I was taken advantage of. In most respects, I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to my own fears and make good decisions.

Then, three years later, I met my current boyfriend, Chase.

By then I was strong and independent, with a  great job, lots of dreams, friends, and a strong backbone in relationships. I had spent years processing how I had lost myself before, and I was determined to never go through that again.

But then the strangest thing happened: I started to feel these feelings that I had never felt before. Chase, unlike anyone before in my life, loved me. And unlike anything in my life, I loved him.

I didn’t just love the idea of him or the companionship of being together, but I adored the person that he was. He enjoyed the person that I was. And as I fell in love with him, they were feelings that were brand new.

They were feelings of belonging, safety, passion and companionship—and they didn’t have an ounce of underlying fear. 

I realized that for the first time in my entire life, I was really falling in love.

Sometimes, in the beginning, and even still today, I’ll become untrusting and difficult, attacking out of nowhere. The naive trust that I had so long ago got used up and beaten up by the wrong person. But unlike that wrong person, when he used to attack for no reason, Chase protects everything: my happiness, our life together, and my relationship with myself.

So if there’s one thing that I learned the hard way in all of this, it’s this:

There are two experiences that we can define as love: we can fall in love with a person, or we can fall in love with companionship.

When you fall in love with a person, you get to experience their companionship as a byproduct. When you fall in love with companionship, it becomes an arrangement of need, where you become hinged on losing one another. It’s built on fear, necessity, and power. And that isn’t falling in love.

I can promise you this:

When you fall in love with a person, and they fall in love with you, you won’t lose yourself in love, because you will be an important part of that love and what makes it tick.

After a year together, Chase and I are moving in together this summer. It isn’t because we need to. It’s because we’ve slowly become a family already, and a place together is an exciting next step.

For the first time in my decorating-impaired life I’m planning curtains in my mind and begging him to go to Ikea with me. This next step is an exciting leap, and there’s no fear attached.

For the first time, I’m in love—and I haven’t lost myself even a tiny bit.